to love to love to love, not hate

Knock knock?

2012-01-25T23:00:00.009+08:00

I came across an article recently on whether "God inhabits the praises of his people" is really biblical. It talks about how this translation of the Hebrew text may not be accurate and goes to explain why. More importantly the author discusses the integrity and tensions one may have in accepting that it may be so, much less teaching or talking about it honestly. And I can understand why. As he puts it, "its an exegetical silver bullet." It is used by many worship leaders and pastors to teach and encourage the congregation to participate in worship, and I know of at least 1 song that alludes to the verse (am pretty sure there are more).

So when an issue like this springs up, how then do we deal with it? Is there space in the church or in believers to address this misinterpretation, and reteach/relearn it the way it was written? Not only for this specific verse, but plenty others as well. Perhaps the misinterpretation of a verse is not pivotal to our faith or salvation, but surely there's responsibility on our part to allow Scripture to say what it intended to say. And what happens if this misinterpretation occurs with verses that have grave impact on doctrines? Is there room for us to re-look and revise some of our practices that stem from the flawed understanding of scripture?

This reminds me of the book Erasing Hell by Francis Chan. I love the authenticity the Chan has with regards to handling Scripture - the parts we sometimes cringe at and wish God didn't include, and the way he communicates it so directly, without pretense.

What is really important? My prayer recently has been for God to show me who He is - who He really is and not what people or traditions tell me. I want to know Him and what His Word says purely as it is, without corruption (in the least negative sense of the word) of any sort.

Of course, if you want to get technical about it, that is not possible unless I learn Hebrew and Greek, start from scratch, and reinvent the wheel - which is silly really. It is also somewhat limiting God - surely He speaks through people, through history and traditions as well. What I really mean is: I don't want to be holding on to what I have been taught or to traditions too dogmatically, that when truth emerges, I'm too blind to see and accept it. I want to be open and honest enough to admit mistakes when present and change when needed.

After all, we are finite and limited beings, aren't we?

I'll Stand By You

2011-03-06T20:11:00.005+08:00

One of my all time favourite songs. I love Pia Toscano's version of it.

This, to me, is what love looks like. Standing by someone, regardless.

:)

2011-02-27T23:47:00.003+08:00

*gleams*

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

2011-01-29T21:41:00.006+08:00

I think I might have a hole in my tooth.

Funny, but I came to realise things just from the spine-chilling sensation I experienced over lunch last Sunday.

You see, the set of pearly whites I've been given is something I take pride in. I loved visiting dentists in school because they'd always tell me that I've done a good job taking care of my teeth, and I'd always spend less than 5 minutes lying on that chair that so many others fear. People always ask me: Have you had braces before? No?! Wow! You have straight teeth! Whenever I fall on my face (not very many times anyway), the first thing I'd check is my teeth. You get my point - Teeth, importante.

So when I experienced the unnerving jolt of pain, it made my mind go in a flurry. Is there really a hole? Does this mean I have to get fillings now? But my teeth! I have nice teeth! This is absurd! How can I allow this to happen!

After a whole stream of thoughts akin to the above, I suddenly came to terms with the fact that I am decaying. This physical body. We all are. Everyday, deteriorating*. As much as I can put in effort to preserve it and work hard at maintaining its original condition, my teeth will eventually all fall off. And that applies to every other part!

What a depressing thought right?

You know what? This is but my earthly body. God did an awesome job at it; so many times I just am so blown away by how my heart can beat so constantly, how I can breathe and how my body is so capable of functioning every single day without me even having to think about it. It really is amazing.

But I'm so looking forward to getting the new, glorified one when the time comes.

We unknowingly hold on to things that are bound to turn into dust. How silly. :)

*I hate spelling this word.

2011

2011-01-02T00:08:00.002+08:00

I feel very accomplished today. Not only did I do some revamping to my room, I also solved the broadband/wireless problem (that we've lived with for more than a year; all too lazy to do anything about it) AND figured out (all thanks to Google) how to reset and secure our wireless network.

Sweeeeet!

It's funny how I remember each year by it's endings and not the beginnings. Must be because of Christmas.

BTW, best Christmas present this year (thus far) goes to a kikki.k stamp set!

Looking forward to all that 2011 is going to bring! :)

Christmas is here already?!

2010-11-15T00:45:00.003+08:00

Well almost.

Can you believe that I have already started on my Christmas shopping?! I am amazed at myself. This way... I won't be totally broke come end of December!

My 2010 Starbucks tumblr cracked and retired a few days ago. Sad face. No more snowman/penguin. *hint hint* There's a chance that I might get too many sbux tumblr this Christmas.

Although, I'm quite wary of Starbucks now - actually most companies/organisations for that matter. Am so disturbed by the whole all-seeing-eye /masonic pyramids /Illuminati conspiracy that I've been reading up on of late. I... really don't want to be loving products from companies that are trying to turn me into a devil worshipper. Now if you think I'm exaggerating... you don't know subliminal messages. It is quite an alarming thing that I feel we all should be aware of.

Still. He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world!

-End of incoherent, random post-

11:44

2010-08-24T23:23:00.003+08:00

It's almost that time again.

Except it is supposed to be much more significant.

I just feel like telling everyone, there are really only three material things I want right now (all of which are mentioned in the previous post). Please do not get me anything unless you are completely 100% sure I will love it AND use it, because it'll really just become a white elephant and end up being thrown away after a while. And... I'm not into brands and shiny things.

What you could do is give me an ang bao (read: money). I can use that to save up for many many things (like my mission trips, the DSLR that is so far away *insert sad face*, my future, etc...), and I most definitely will give a part of it to Charity: Water.

In other news...

Idealism: Boon or bane?

So...

2010-08-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

I got my first contribution to the 'get-Janine-a-decent-acoustic-guitar' fund, that I didn't even know existed.

Nice...

Now, if more of these could miraculously form (like for a DSLR and/or keyboard), I'm a happy camper.

I'm just kidding (I really am extremely grateful). Besides, I'm just turning 21.

I won a giveaway from Ashley Ann!

2010-07-31T01:35:00.003+08:00

While I was writing my last paper on Spiritual Formation, I took a break and checked my email, finding this:

Thoughts started racing through my mind and I went straight to her blog, finding this:

Then I started jumping around and squealing in my mind (because I was in the library). It's a little embarrassing though. If you read, my comment is grammatically incorrect. Does even make sense actually. I was in a hurry and thought that she wouldn't read it anyway... BUT she obviously did and she picked me. YAY!

Now, when will my US$25 dollar come? I can't wait to e-shop at Lemon Poppy Shoppe. So many things to buy! I'll probably get it later in the year though, since they don't ship outside of the US and Canada. Gonna get it sent to my dad and get it when he returns! Weeeeee~

Not a pretty, clean, Hollywood hot pink love.

2010-07-06T19:27:00.003+08:00

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

"The love that I'm singing in that song is really, is not a pretty, clean, is not a Hollywood hot pink love. It's a kinda love that's willing to love things that are messy, and willing to love even the difficult and sort of, um y'know, kind of gross."

-John Mark McMillan.

HONGKONG

2010-06-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

AYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I'm going to Hong Kong!

I'm attending Passion Hong Kong!

I'm so excited!

I've never been to a Passion Conference!

I've never been to Hong Kong!

AYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Phuket

2010-05-04T19:03:00.006+08:00

For once, pictures will do the talking. I will only say I wish I had a DSLR (or just a good camera) to capture all of God's beautiful creation that I got to see.

One word.

2010-04-27T02:09:00.006+08:00

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Call me crazy/ridiculous/girly/all of the above, but I think the pink guitar in the middle is just so pretty. *wants*

And so long Singapore for the next 3 days. I'm flying away from this island to another island- Phuket - for a lil getaway! Was going alone initially but now my ~~expert-at-sucking-up~~ dear sister is coming along. :) Probably means you'll get to see some pictures since she's around.

See you in a few days!

279. A conversation.

2010-04-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

Mum: What's today's date?
Me: *picks a random number* 29
Mum: HUH!?
Me: *laughs uncontrollably*

5mins later

Me: *still laughing*
Mum: mad ready..

Oh, cheap thrills:)

PS: Nick this is for you and your obsession with numbers!

of estrogen and progesterone:(

2010-04-02T21:42:00.005+08:00

Deadlines + stress + decline of hormones = lethal combination

I was trying to figure out why I couldn't stop bawling while trying very very hard to work on my paper (to no avail). Why I'm feeling incredibly needy, why it feels like tomorrow will never come because today is just too hard.

Then I realised. Blasted hormones.

How do I fight this chemical reaction that's affecting my well-being?

I can't believe what a baby it reduces me to. :(

Just for this, we deserve to be treated so much better.

Dear body parts,

2010-03-29T17:16:00.004+08:00

(especially brain, eyes, shoulders and every single muscle)

I promise to treat you better after this Wednesday. (edit: erm, I really meant next Wed)

So, please don't break down on me.

PS: I hope the burger and fatty fries will appease you for at least a few days.

Love,

your whole.

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.

2010-03-25T01:05:00.005+08:00

I would like to say that I really like the media/creative people in Passion.

And I am still holding on to the little dream of attending one of them conferences. Not cos it is a big deal but to be part of something that actually moves people and puts actions to words. (and see how they do it)

'Do Something Now'

Love that.

The Awakening album is pretty good stuff too! Loving the David Crowder band track "How He Loves". Title of this post is the first line of the song.

Tonight, I am reminded again of how weird it is that I find it so so precious to see adults (no not young adults) serving with their talents. Sometimes the whole 'young people' idea is a little bit overrated. Just sometimes.

I'm reminded of the service we attended at St Andrew's Cathedral with Jen a few months back, when worship was led by this old man who easily was old enough to be my grandfather. He was singing and playing the guitar.

I thought he was cool. EQ did too and we even went to talk to him and tell him how he's encouraged us. That's how cool I thought he was.

To be at that age where he can easily say oh I've been there, done that, done my part, time to step back and watch and enjoy, and yet he's still serving with all he's got.

That's cool.

H :)

2010-03-23T21:38:00.009+08:00

I have to say something I can no longer keep in.

I... I think I'm in love.

His name is Hudson. He has blond hair and blue eyes, chubby cheeks, pretty long lashes, loves baby goats, legos and playing in mud. He's quite an artist too, kudos to his mum who's into crafts and photography.

He's also 3 years old.

But, really, that doesn't matter. Think about it! Just ignore the fact that he still screams and cries and needs his mummy, I think he's perfect. :)

Okay, just in case his mother somehow finds her way here, I don't want her thinking I'm some psychotic paedophile who's eyeing her second son. But really, he is so cute. The whole family is cute! I love reading family blogs, and Ashleyann's currently tops my "family blogs" list, simply because she has more kids than the others. And she does crafts. And photography.

I think she's Lois Lane in disguise.

Find them here.

I want a DSLR

2010-03-11T22:25:00.004+08:00

Yes it's a want, not a need. Yes, I don't necessarily know how to use one very well professionally - hey at least I know what shutter speed and aperture is and how they work together. Yes, I got a C in photography (after spending like $400+ on my 4 assignments).

But I still want it. Crazy. Doesn't help that my mum is putting thoughts in my head. "You want to buy? Buy la, cheap what." (She was looking at the IT fair ads.)

Okay, I probably won't buy it. But still...... Ugh. Think crazy expensive. Think not necessary.

Scars.

2010-03-05T00:00:00.003+08:00

What I really need now is to fall a good, painful, bloody fall (like physically), cry a little, clean it, put cream on it and suffer with the pain for a few days.

Then watch as the scab grows and dries up and heal as time passes.

And eventually be left with a scar.

I love scars. I think they are very cool.

Point.

2010-03-03T22:59:00.002+08:00

"If God were to answer all our prayers today, what would change?"

More rich people with zero troubles and reserved parking lots everywhere they go?

Heard this question from a short podcast yesterday and it really made me think. Do we really believe in the power of prayer? How does it show in the way we pray, the things we pray for? Especially the things we claim to be passionate about, the changes we want to see. Are we really passionate about them? Are we even praying for these things?

Really. What are we praying for?

Growing pains

2010-03-03T18:50:00.003+08:00

1 day of heels = ?? days of pain?!
I've been trying to appease my feet by wearing real comfy flats and eating loads of chocolate, but they're still really mad at me I guess. I think I'm growing old. Yikes.

How do older women wear heels then? Please tell me there's some secret formula to taking away pain. I don't want to live with this pain for the rest of my life, and I don't wanna give up wearing pretty heels (which are bound to inflict great pain) either.

My boy.

2010-03-03T01:37:00.004+08:00

Aunt: *reaches for C's hand* Never wish me happy new year ah!

Caven: *sheepishly* Happy New Year

Me: *stretches out my hands and mimics aunt* Never wish me happy new year!

He turns to me and I half expect him to say something lame/rude but cute and run off to play his games, but he said "this one, cannot la" (or something along this line) and then walked towards me and gave me a big "Happy New Year" hug.

*grins*

He also told me (on a different occasion) that I am his 2nd favourite cousin; the first being a slightly older boy who is his Ps2 buddy (whom I also think is bad influence).

*double grins*

I asked him once if he could be my boyfriend (playfully, to see what this lil genius would come up with) and he replied with a confused kind of smile , like he was really considering it "huh... cannot la." Why? "You older than me know..." :) not cos we're cousins.

I love this boy. so much. I hope he calls me for advice next time when we're older and he needs help with life, girls and stuff.

rambles

2010-02-28T23:37:00.003+08:00

Things I am happy about.

I ate traditional "homemade" ice cream in bread recently, in memory of my secondary school days; there was a period in Secondary 4 when we literally ate them everyday because we made friends with the uncle and he always gave us an extra scoop.
I found my Muji green-blue pen!
My cutie pie texted me during his art class. Hope it didn't cost him 5rm:/ (I'm not even sure if he's supposed to be texting me!)
I'm halfway through a really good novel right now - The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, recommended by Jenn. I'm intrigued by how the book revolves around books - there's a Cemetery of Forgotten Books (I would really like to visit one if ever such a thing existed) and the main character and his father owns a book store, and he is in search of the author of a special book, which has the same title as the book he is in. It's a little ridiculous; the number of twists there are to the story but it's a believable kind of ridiculous. And it's a rather dark, gloomy kinda book; my imagination's been on black&white mode. Not my usual cup of tea, but I'm enjoying it.
Found some Andrew Garcia supporters (okay, maybe they're just impressed with his talent) yesterday and gushed about him for a little while.
Wore my new heels today! Minus point being the many blisters that found their way to my feet.
Hung out with the two vowels yesterday. Had one of our interesting discourses over soup, and again was bewildered and so amused by how I can be so honest and transparent with them.
Laughed my lungs and stomach out today. Haven't done so in a long long long time. Must be the Christine-Ernest combination.
Tried Marvellous Cream (finally!) and it was goooooooood.
Grabbed my old macbook back from Larissa and we stole some time to talk a little.
I had a mini epiphany, or at least gained a new perspective on identity from swimming in my thoughts. Again, no conclusions (I think if you looked into my mind, and thoughts were jigsaw puzzles, there'd be unfinished puzzles strewn all over the place.) But I'm pretty pleased with the new perspective; a breath of fresh air.

Things I can be happy about soon.

Plans to catch Dear John with Tinee and Erns. (Hello Channing Tatum, my beloved salted popcorn and loads of Kleenex!)
Plans to catch Alice in Wonderland with Sneezies!
Possibilities of meeting up with Grace and the girls. Realised that I never saw them in 2009 at all! :/

And so life does go on. As much as I'm perplexed by many of the issues thrown at me, I choose to walk on sunshine *wooah-oh*. At the end of the day, a day has gone by, regardless of what did or did not happen. That's not saying I don't ever walk in the rain (hurhur), I think we're all allowed to mope around a little for a while, but don't stay drenched.

And it is really all about choices. I may not be making perfect ones now, but I don't think I'm that far off. (What is far off anyway?) All these dumb talk about choices make me think I'm growing old:/ I don't want to be an adult!

This life thing is pretty complicated. It can be pretty simple too. (That may sound like it doesn't make sense, but really, I think it does)

Have a lovely week everyone! :)

News

2010-02-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

I have invaders in my house. de

My (old) cousin and his friend (who happens to be a girl, she's taken over my room). co

Yeeeeesh. No privacy. de

A crop-out day.

2010-02-25T22:06:00.007+08:00

This post made me chuckle (though it didn't get on my favourites list simply because Hudson's not in it).

"Do you ever have those days you wish you could "crop" something out?"

On one hand, that's a pretty thought to play with; forgetting. Ignoring the uglies in life and looking through intentionally put on rose-coloured glasses.

On the other we all know that, truth is, our lives aren't photographs that we can crop. Well, perhaps it is possible (if someone out there has the ability to dispel selected memories at your whims and fancies, I'll be your friend!) but I highly doubt so.

Maybe it works with others. We can crop things out and make it look prettier to other people. But it'll never work with ourselves. Just like how Ashleyann will never forget the real story behind the real picture.

Or maybe it's not about forgetting at all. Maybe it's just about taking the uglies and making them pretty. Or, or taking the uglies and learning from it; how the composition can be improved, and applying it in the next photograph/~~life~~day.

Maybe a life is simply a life and a photograph, a photograph.

Maybe I'm overcomplicating things.

*proceeds to crop selected fragments*

Okay, maybe not. *ctrl/cmd+z*

40 day prayer

2010-02-21T00:57:00.004+08:00

This is me getting away from the clutches of technology. The Internet to be more specific. Okay, social networking sites if you really have to know.

Because food is really not a problem at all for me - yeah, my stomach probably hates me. Its crazy and, to be honest, a little embarrassing what the Internet does to me. Tweetdeck is constantly open, I check Youtube frequently just in case anyone posts a new video, and I check on the various blogs I follow every.. once in a while (which varies from a few hours to a few seconds). I can be stuck on the Internet till 3 am, just watching video after video, checking and re-checking the blogs, especially those in America cos you know the time difference and all, they'll probably update when it's night time here. And I haven't even talked about Facebook yet! (To give myself a little credit, I'm doing well with the Facebook hiatus. Well, then again it's probably because I don't have the password. But hey! It still counts.)

Tell me you know what I mean (so that I don't look like the only weirdo hooked on the Internet).

So!

Facebook: Full fast. Started and going strong :)

Twitter: I'm going on a full fast for Twitter. No tweeting, no checking tweets. I've deleted TweetDeck from Lacey and removed the Peep widget from my HTC screens.

Youtube: I'll load my videos ONCE a day and play the few over and over if I need music while doing work. (versus videosurfing)

Hotmail: Imma check it only three times max a day. I've even specified all 3 timings.

Others: I will not touch Lacey at home unless I have work to do.

It's a little difficult. Especially the Twitter one.

But I did live without it for the past 20 years of my life so... this shouldn't be as big a loss as what it feels like.

Note to self: I need a stronger resolve.

Cotton candy clouds

2010-02-10T01:44:00.004+08:00

"Yet Beatrice remained as she had always been, amused and curious, but strangely distant, as if her life were a book she was reading, one she might put down at any moment in order to gaze out the window at the sky."
-In The Garden
The Secrets of a Fire King and other short stories
Kim Edwards

I don't know why this sentence is so pretty. Perhaps its the ability to detach oneself from life that appeals to me. I don't know why.

It just sounds nice.

And atas.

Here we go!

2010-01-23T01:44:00.002+08:00

Get DREAM09 video out
Get OperationDF video out
Come up with package for Op.DF
Photoshop quick logo for Op.DF
Complete script for Cultural Night's skit
Practice keyboard like crazy for chapel (kill me please)
Schedule next Anniversary magazine meeting
BREATHEEEEEEE

My to-do list for tomorrow/today.

I hereby declare a hiatus from Facebook this day forth for a month. I'm going to get EQ to change my password for me tomorrow to make sure I stick to it. Yes. I considered giving up twitter and youtube, but youtube serves me well and if I stop twitter, no one will know if i die. So better not :)

The past 2 days were really refreshing. Sentosa, movie, rockclimbing; all with the best friend. It's been really good, and now I'm armed with a hairdryer for the approaching avalanche. Am really dreading all the assignments; deadlines are creeping slowly towards me day by day.

*think hairdryer. think hairdryer.*

It's gonna be tough. I wish I have clones or minions. But I don't. I will survive:)

God help me.

PS I absolutely love the brains I have working with me.

Breathe

2010-01-15T23:50:00.002+08:00

I need to breathe. I need space. I need metime.

I feel overwhelmed. I need to list things down one by one to declutter my mind, but I need a nice place to do so. I want to be in nature. I can't even find a decent place in the vicinity where I can sit under/beside/near a tree to think and not be disturbed by inconsiderate teenagers.

I desperately need time alone.

Productive quality time spent with not a single other human being, but me.

This means not having to care whether or not someone else needs the seat I'm taking, not needing to look at my watch and rush somewhere, not needing to think of anything but the things I choose to think about.

This sucks big time. I have a feeling its all hormonal. Perhaps it'll go away soon. I hope it does. But it doesn't change the fact that I have too much, too too much.

Why am I telling you this?

It makes me feel better. Maybe, just maybe the world will be a little better now that my gripes are made known. Maybe Singapore's air might start smelling a little more nature like. Maybe you'll stop thinking that my world is pretty and pink with beautiful ring things.

Okay. Sleep it off.

500 Days of Summer

2010-01-07T20:37:00.000+08:00

I think I finally get the movie.

Am so getting the DVD.

2010 - Choices

2010-01-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

My first post for the year.

My mind has been running on overdrive the past couple of days, thinking and exploring the possibilities of things I've never allowed to cross my mind or previously rejected without any thought, realising that maybe... just maybe (I've yet to come to a conclusion) I've been disillusioned.

Choices are a big deal and I don't like making them. (Plays Relient K's I So Hate Consequences) With every decision comes a consequence, and knowing that there is no certainty in the outcome, knowing that I am possibly sabotaging my life, my future, it irks me. So much that it led me to an absurd train of thought (not even kidding. I think I might be crazy) that entails zero decision-making, zero risk. My life in someone else's hands, someone else's decisions.

And reading The Giver by Lois Lowry this morning, it wasn't any other book that I read for leisure; God practically smacked me in the face with it. It is crazy how God orchestrates everything so perfectly. Of all the books I could have picked, when I chose to read it, I still can't get over how awesome these in-your-face moments God throws at me are.

Reading it actually got me mad. After I finished it, I started picking up different things that shouted "I'm not giving you a choice!", and it made me so mad just thinking how parents, how teachers, how the education system, how society's possibly leading more and more kids to allow others take control of their future, leading them to think it's okay to take the backseat and just have fun, be spoon fed.

I know this is only the start. A certain someone told me that the coming year will possibly be a challenging one for me, that my mindset, my worldview, different ideas that I had will be challenged as I discover others that I've yet been exposed to. The moment I heard it, I knew that it is true, because it'd already begun before 2009 even ended. In a way, it is kind of scary. Who knows what will happen. My brain may just explode. I could get so overwhelmed that I'll just live in my own world for the rest of my life.

But I'm excited.

God is in control. And it is exciting.

Bring it on 2010! Time for more pruning.

A blur.

2009-11-30T22:23:00.002+08:00

If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side?

- Leo Tolstoy

I told you so

2009-11-23T01:08:00.003+08:00

If I took the time to pen down every story behind the times I thought these four words silently (or actually said it to another's face), I could write a book.

And it will be a best seller; I told you so.

I wish I could be right less often

but no.

One day. One day, I know I'll be wrong.

School's out!

2009-11-18T01:26:00.004+08:00

Eli: *continuous clicks red button on Photobooth whilst laughing*
Me: *feigns shock* WHAT?! AGAIN?!?!
Eli+Naomi: *laughs even louder*

I'm free! Well, kinda. I can now ask people out for dinner dates, go for movies (ZOMG NEW MOON!!! *hyperventilates*) and let my brain breath - just for a while.

And then, the mad rush will come again. It's already approaching the driveway.

I'm crazy envious of people with kids. Karen Cheng's boys are adorable. They bring so much joy. :)
Which reminds me!

**Advertisement**
Peter is looking for a wife so that he can marry her and have kids, so that I can carry him/her! Any takers? :)

Edward Cullen, I once again fall happily into the intricate web of lies of your non-existent perfect love. I think I'd gotten over you already, but your reappearance forces me to reacquaint myself with these foolish feelings. I still hate that you're limited to the imperfections of Robert Pattinson though. :)

I'm on Team Edward!

Kapish?

2009-11-02T22:34:00.004+08:00

I hate this quote.

Is love really that simple? I don't think so. I don't want it to be so. Love is magical. It should be. Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Today,

2009-10-29T23:40:00.003+08:00

I met Gordon, the Roman Catholic guy who came to the Korea Worship Festival that was held in our MMC few months ago, at the bus stop near church.

I hesitated before going up to him and asking him if he remembered me and stuff. Found out that it's his birthday today. We chatted, got on the same bus. He talked about tennis and coaching little kids and stuff, linked it to religion and talked a little more.

I realised that I had no problems talking with him. He was an adult. Like, probably older than my parents kind of an adult. I always have problems talking with adults, I don't ever seem to get pass the fact that they are older; salt more than I eat rice thing. But today, I realised that I am capable of doing so!

Now, I must think; what was different.

Topic

2009-10-29T00:30:00.000+08:00

Feelings are fleeting.

Discuss.

Elo!

2009-10-25T22:48:00.007+08:00

God seems to be adamant about making sure I make it sink deep in my head; that He's the one in control, the one to whom ALL credit is due, esp with worship leading.

I've been amazed/blown away/awestruck time and time again at how I can feel so utterly horrible about leading; everything crashes, there are major awkward silences, hand signals are blatantly ignored, and I really feel defeated - walk-off-stage-and-crawl-into-hole kind of defeated - AND YET I have people coming to tell me how God spoke to them through the songs, or how they've experienced healing during these worship, or how they were just so ministered to.

He's so gracious; has every right in the world to ignore us, judging by the quality of our worship, yet He doesn't.

I'm so grateful that DR has committed worshippers, who are all worship leaders in their own right, regardless of the instruments they play. We may be short handed, we may not have the best equipments, we may be so stretched week after week, may have suffered hard blows during the week, yet there's always that genuine heart of worship, ready to go. I appreciate you guys very very very much. :) Let's press on together and infect the rest of them alright!

I love Dunamis Rock very much. We might be going through some tough stuff, but I know God has great plans for us and He'll see us through this rocky patch. Spirit-filled Nights are His powerful reminders to me that He will. I think last Friday was pretty amazing. Incredibly humbling. It starts somewhere. I believe we can be change agents. We probably already are. :)

to all DRockers: if you've not been to our spirit-filled nights, you're missing out! Not even kidding.

Yay. God is good!
A child in awe of You:)

Gravity

2009-10-22T23:24:00.005+08:00

There's danger in melancholy, in sadness. It's like quicksand. You want to get out, but then again, why not just stay here a little longer, too much effort is needed.

Sara Bareilles' Gravity has been on repeat. Something's wrong with this song. Set me free, leave me be; I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Truth is, she really wants to fall over and over again.

I think this song can be used to described sadness, or even depression. Who really wants to stop feeling sad when you're sad? There's something safe about sadness. It comes alongside you and takes your hand. Makes you comfortable in it, creates a warm cosy cushion of sadness around you.

I don't know how to deal with sad stuff. I sleep it off. I reduce it and downplay it to the very minimum, to the point that sometimes I wonder if there was reason at all for me to be sad in the first place, maybe I was just being melodramatic.

Am I feeling better? Yes definitely. But am I really feeling better about it? I don't know. It's been buried. I guess I'd only know if its dug up again. And I probably have to do it soon ish to settle it once and for all.

Maybe I'm really just tired. I've been hearing "Are you tired? You look really tired/horrible/zonked," so much it's not even funny any more. I have no choice, do I? Stop rubbing it in my face please.

Mehhhhhh. I'm no supergirl, no tireless worker. I hate many of the adjectives that people use to describe me. I'm strong, I'm independent, yes yes they probably have reasons to say that. At times that's nice and good. But there are always times I really just want to curl up and cry buckets. At times I really just need somebody. Though I'm not sure I know how to fulfill that need; need someone. My needs always remain needs till they disappear into the horizon. Which is why prior to discovering Gravity, I was hooked on Use Somebody - Pixie Lott's cover. But that is another story for another day.

So, please treat me with tender loving care. <3 I would appreciate that thank you very much!

*exhales*

*BIG GRIN*

K! Bring it on world. Janine always gets better, in time. She just hates the (self-imposed) expectation to get better better quickly.

Eeeees, we need to talk. I need to talk. Please force it out of me. You know I'd wriggle my way out of it if I could.

Lord, help. This is hard. I'm like, confused. :) Silly right? I know. Thank You for being so patient with me. ILY!

2009-10-18T22:23:00.004+08:00

I'm no different from you. I need love and protection too.

There are doors I feel like opening just to slam it shut again.

I held my heart out in my hands. This is what I get. Thanks.

Why does it always feel like people think I have no feelings. Do I seem that strong? Are my needs any less important than that of others? Is that fair?

I have feelings too. Today, I just want to be selfish and wallow in self pity.

I love

2009-10-17T00:51:00.002+08:00

... stolen pockets of time. Away from the crazy rush; neglecting all my responsibilities for just a few hours, to breathe. To take time to listen to myself. To take time to reflect and mumble on and on about how I feel. Listen. To process different thoughts and throw different views and ideas that could be absolute logic, or just purely whimsical.

... quaint little places tucked away in little corners of busy streets. A place with so many little details that captures one's eyes, like a huge playground would a child's. Bookshelves filled with books - oh books, I'd live in a library if I could - that have stories to tell; not just the author's but the books themselves, oh if they could speak, think of all the stories they'd tell. Of all the people who have pored over them intensely within hours. Or that faithful stranger who comes in every Tuesday and orders a cup of warm Chamomile tea and sits at that very spot, reading for exactly 45 minutes each time, no more no less. Or that one distasteful, weird guy that picked them up and read the first and last chapter *tsk*. And those random music CDs and movies strewn around the room in the most artfully messy way, bits of polaroids just stuck on the wall with good old sticky tape. Chalk boards, walls that are not even completely painted, wooden furniture with not-icky-stains that speaks of previous unique dining experiences.

... to think about the time when I will travel to this place again in the near future when I can steal another pocket of time away from the world. I'd bring a good book and order forest fruit tea because it smells so good. I'd read. I'd write. I'd pretend to be incredibly poetic for a night. I'd pause and look around the room, taking in every little detail, just because everything is so pretty. Have long conversations with myself in my head. Have long conversations with God and have Him blow me away with yet another revelation.

... being out with people I can talk with without thinking too hard. Not needing to edit and think in my head, just blurting out words that are haphazardly strung together. Telling things as they are. Things I struggle with. Things that I need someone else to know. At the same time, being pushed to strive for more. More vulnerability than there already is.

... ending the day with a wide cheesy smile. *grins*

How another person can always see more in you than you do yourself always makes me a little more optimistic. If that's what he thinks, my heart skips a beat just wondering for a moment what God thinks.

Times like this paints a brighter tint in my lens for humanity. Aren't we really all the same when you remove all the junk on top? We need open doors. Everyone does. Really. If you think you're an exception, you are wrong. Life is so much better with open doors. Yes, you'll get hurt at times. It might rain. Dust might sneak in. But it's worth it.

I must learn to be an open door for others. Stop being selfish Janine. Make a fool of yourself. :)

PSSSST! Lord? ILY! Please teach me to love and be open and love some more. Just like You!

Just a thought...

2009-10-12T22:58:00.003+08:00

How does it feel to be different from me; are we the same?

What is pain? Numbness is worse. Be thankful you can feel pain.

What's the difference between numbness and optimism? They are quite similar don't you think? Unaffected by situations; just keep going.

I guess the difference is hope?

And I do have hope; so I'm optimistic, not numbed?

Boy, how confusing. I think we humans are too confusing. God must be beyond genius. Of course. He is God. :]

Doors

2009-10-10T11:49:00.006+08:00

You know how connecting rooms in hotels work? The connection part; 2 private doors, one from each room. In other to be 'connected' both sides have to unlock and open the door. There are no knobs on the other side of each doors.

Of all the times I can recall of being in connecting rooms in hotel, I remember always leaving that door closed so that the other room had to knock and ask for it to be open. Most of the time (actually all) parents would be on the other side. Being kids, there was something exhilarating about being alone in our own room, and parents' actually having to ask for permission - in a way - to enter. Of course, shortly after that, parents always got their way and the door had to be left open for convenience's sake.

The past few days, I've been thinking about relationships in my life in terms of these connecting doors. Though there's no way one room can physically be connected to so many other rooms; there's not enough room on the walls for so many doors. The main idea is, I decide if my door to another person is open or closed, and the other person has that very same choice.

I have to say, I have many closed doors. I don't even see the other person's door; whether it's open or not I don't know. That's not to say that there is zero communication. We're probably just speaking through the doors or scribbling notes on scrap pieces of paper and slipping it under.

There are doors which are open just slightly, with the safety latch in place. I open these doors whenever necessary, and shut them abruptly whenever it starts to get uncomfortable. Through these doors I get to look into their lives, their rooms. They get to peek into mine through that tiny slit. It's not fair I know.

It gets worse.

Some doors are closed, with me on the other side of the room. I leave my room to the other's and interact with my door safely closed behind me.

But of course, there are doors which are opened. Left wide open. I can count these doors on one hand. But the other sides of some of these doors are closed at times, maybe not intentionally but they are, sometimes. Other times both doors are left opened, but interaction through these doors are rare. Just because there are other things to do. Rare but precious. Always.

-

But that state of these doors are always changing. Opening, closing, slowly swinging itself shut without anyone's notice. Actually, at time, maybe we do notice; just don't want to put in the effort to constantly walk to it and open it again.

When one open door shuts, all the other open doors want to shut too.

But I need open doors. Everyone needs open doors.

So, I'm sitting in the middle of this room. Just me. And God. Of course. And, I know He's telling me to do something about these doors.

Open some, close some.

Choose wisely.

Hard stuff. Hard stuff.

I want to be simple like a child. Love more, think less.

Discomfort comes with vulnerability. But I choose to move towards it, cautiously (ironic huh) but surely.

Dear Friend,

2009-09-22T01:03:00.003+08:00

I really miss talking with you.

I hope you'll get ~~better~~ what you need soon.

Praying for you.

Love,
Janine

I believe God intended more for human-human relationships. I just need to find what more is. How much more more is. When more is. God never intended for us to feel alone. Or helpless.

Again and again and again.

2009-09-10T01:30:00.004+08:00

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven, where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love, is Hell.
C.S. Lewis
The Four Loves

Ouch.

I've no idea how to do this. It's a maze that's what this is. Those mirror maze you find in science centres. The ones that we're so sure we've figured out - just look out for the edges on top where the mirror ends! But still can walk right straight into a trap.

I'm stuck. I freeze. I don't want to walk any further, bump into any more mirrors. I'll just stay here. I'm fine too, don't worry about me, just keep on walking don't need to bring me out. I'll find the way myself... eventually.

But now CS Lewis comes along and tells me I've to keep moving. How. :c

Yru penb pb ibbo krddlfob. Tr pugk prdb uqfbedefob ckeq yru wruoh bvbd nqrw.

Genius

2009-09-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

Cs yqe ngk iuncmbup rbcq mlqr, yqe gpu lku.

Nljjukr!

September again.

2009-08-27T00:00:00.006+08:00

Dear friends,

It is exactly one month to my birthday today.

I'm using my birthday this year to support charity: water's September campaign to bring clean and safe drinking water to the people of Ethiopia.

More than 1 billion people around the world today don't have the most basic thing: clean water to drink. That's one in six of us. Over 4,500 kids die each and every day from water-related disease. To do my part, I've been supporting an organization called charity: water that has been making a real difference in the past 3 years.

This year, I've decided to give up birthday gifts again and ask for donations instead. 100% of the money raised will go directly to building freshwater wells, which will be proved with GPS coordinates and photos on Google Earth.

I'm asking for my age in dollars (take note that it is in USD). 20 dollars can a help one person in Africa drink clean water for 20 years. 100% of all donations goes directly to water projects.

Please make a donation on my page:
http://mycharitywater.org/strippedtolove

Thank you!

Love,
Janine Ng

Raw.

2009-08-26T01:13:00.000+08:00

As I consciously try to figure out my actions, detecting any specks of defensiveness in them, in the root of my actions and try to correct them, shoving myself out in the open,

I

feel

raw.

Part of me wants to go back to how things were - my normal. It would be easier, I don't have to think so much, don't have to be confused at all. The other, smaller part, well, it's dying to break free, but the bigger part will not allow it until it makes sense of the whole smaller part situation and come to a final conclusion with solid reasoning to support it.

You probably won't understand cos it's all internal. Lol. If you could stay in my brain for a day, I bet you will be freaked out by the crazy numbers of continuous conversations I have with my numerous other selves in my head. Yes. It's been increasing.

It's not all that bad. I find myself entertaining when I'm bored. :]

You're my silver lining, covered in gold.

Self.

2009-08-17T00:01:00.003+08:00

When did I stop being enough for myself, for people.

I think there is a line between desiring to be more like Jesus and not being true to the person that God made me to be. Where is that line? (I think I got the answer just by typing that out. Freaky.)

I feel like I'm trying too hard. But I don't want to be wrong or go off track.

I think Psalm 119 is the coolest psalm ever, besides being the longest.

^9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it.
...

^25-32 I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
...
^169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.

Why do simple things seem so difficult sometimes Lord. :/

Please melt my heart to mush. It really has way too many defensive layers.

He's teaching me so much about myself, about my heart. My beautifully created, irreplaceable heart.

Funny, distance makes talking so much easier.

ah-GAH-pay

2009-08-01T00:05:00.006+08:00

Was going through my emails the other day, reading through a whole lot of them, both received and sent (Yes, I have a problem with deleting emails too, not just personal belongings) and I suddenly realised how much things have changed within such a short period of time.

And then I read about vulnerability and willingness to put yourself out there in a few chapters from a really good book.

And God, with His mysterious power of making things link and speak into my life about the same theme, showed me the problem.

We're all afraid of rejection.

Whether it's rejection from relationships, rejection of an idea, rejection of a kind gesture, rejection from a school, unintentional rejection, intentional malice-filled rejection.

It's daunting for us to put ourselves out there for people to judge and scrutinise, for them to take time and analyse before they come to a decision which either makes or breaks us.

In the dating game, if a girl confesses her feelings to a boy, that boy gains the upper hand. In Peter's words, he win already. He can now think about every single quality about her, compare it with another girl, ask his friends, discuss, rate, comment. Doesn't matter what he is like, how he looks, how he smells, he won.

I'm only using this as an example because it really disgusts me and I guess everyone can somehow understand and/or relate to it?

It is things like this - the existence of MCPs, selfishness, endless competition, greed - that makes every single person build this invisible wall of defense around themselves - thickness depending on how bad their experiences or observations were.

It is all about me. What I can get out of this. How will I benefit. Friendship? Kindness? Doesn't feed me. Don't be naive. Don't be too innocent. Don't get cheated. Don't be deceived. Trust yourself only. Even family can betray you.

Really? That's how it has to be?

I'm actually a very self defensive person. Extremely. It takes years to get through to me. I'm not even kidding. They say friendship is like an onion? Well I am one onion with a thick layer of skin. I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I expect a lot from them (I don't mean action wise but I expect a mutual understanding, reciprocation thing that happens when friendship does), though there's never pressure, cos I never ever pressure anyone but myself. Once I'm disappointed, once trust is broken, I withdraw. You might not even notice the difference but I withdraw emotionally almost instantaneously. I feel vehemently towards defending one self - it should be basic instinct! Why let anyone get to you? When you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. I'm puzzled by people who are 'weaker' and even get infuriated by how 'weak' they are.

But I've realised that Jesus was not self defensive. He was everything but self defensive. His whole life was about vulnerability. About 'weakness'. He stripped Himself of everything He had. We 'win'. He came and offered Himself.

He said 'I love you'.

We gloat.
We analyse.
We discuss.
We question.
We compare.
We rate.
We doubt.
We reject.

Doesn't matter who we are. What we do. How disgusting our lives are. What crimes we committed. How cool we are. How holy we are.

We win.

That is love.

Being willing to be in the uncomfortable position of waiting.
Of being rejected.
Of being hurt.
Of risking a perfectly fine heart.
Of being reduced to a number.

How twisted our idea of love is.

So I'm tearing down the walls that surrounds my heart. Brick by brick. Section by section. It will hurt. I'm scared, but I've resolved. I will be stripped of my defenses in order to learn how to love like God does.

A decision to not risk again is a decision to not love again.

It's. Your. Love.

She speakeths!

2009-06-17T00:04:00.005+08:00

Hmm.

Obviously it has been ages since I've blogged. I stopped because I felt like.... there were too many silent eyes reading. Also because I have really been busy with videos, church camp, being a tourist with Peter and Clayton. I'm happy to say that I no longer am a slave to the internet. I can not come online for days and not suffer from withdrawal symptoms. YAY ME!

I've just started writing in this pretty book that I got last Christmas from erns. That's a huge step for me because I'm the kind of person who needs things to be done at the exact right time in the exact right manner; especially when it involves new pretty notebooks. I thought a long long time before deciding to go ahead with it. And even then, the things I had to think about - what pen to use, whether to use different coloured pens or just stick to one colour so that it'd be neat, whether to write along the lines or squeeze 2 rows in one, whether to start on the first page, whether to use both sides of the page or not.

AND, when I've decided on all of the above, the first page I write on will most probably be ripped off and rewritten because my handwriting was not nice enough or my thoughts didn't flow the right way, the words I use are not good enough. I end up stopping altogether because I feel disgusted by how I cannot write and express myself the way I want to, the way I expect myself to.

But, I realise that my handwriting does not have to perfect, my sentences does not need to flow like Sylvia Plath's and be deep because I'm not perfect, I'm not some wistful literature freak who writes in rhymes and inspires the world. Everytime I refuse to pen down my thoughts or rip out something I wrote, I'm refusing to accept myself for who I am. I'm prideful. My ideal self is not my real self and I'm starting to realise that. Well duh! Of course I'm not my ideal self. But I think that I think that I can be my ideal self if I ignore the not so ideal parts of my real self.

Okay. So to sum up all that, I need to write more in my book and less here. That way, its the raw Janine and not the edited and polished one. It's weird. I'm becoming more and more withdrawn. Comes with age? Probably. No wonder I deleted my old blog.

:]

I tweet a lot more than I'd blog or go on MSN.

Peter has a problem with my banner that's supposed to be temporary.

I secretly hope that this post sounds sophisticated or a little deep at least. Sheesh. I need to get a life.

Dear God.

2009-06-02T22:54:00.003+08:00

I really could use with 24 more hours each week. Not that I'm saying you should give it to me. I'll probably just get even busier.

Just thought I'd ask. :]

Thank You for Your Word. That never fails, brings life and produces fruit.

Love, Janine

frets.

2009-05-13T22:53:00.001+08:00

Smart people are so intimidating.

They're always making me think what a Janine could possibly do.

Question's not when, but why.

2009-05-10T02:09:00.002+08:00

I'm in love with this song. Not the original, by Karina Pasian, but youtube covers :]

Lydia Paek is BACK after her participation in ABDC! She's a dancer in Quest and Boxcuttahz, but that's not so important.. to me. I love this girl's voice and what she brings to any song she covers. I like her style. I love it even more when she just sings without music. AMAZING.

And you know what. She's like the link between 2 of my favourite people: AJ and Ryan Conferido!! How cool is that. US of A ain't that big after all.

And this one's by katbadar. Her voice is just powerful. I love how she stops using her mic halfway:]

And they are all friends. AJ, Lydia, Kat, Cathy, Gabe. Mad talents.

Obviously, I spend way too much time on youtube. I can live without facebook and msn; youtube, eeehhhh, I gotta think twice.

Kingdom of comfort

2009-05-08T22:18:00.003+08:00

I think I've forgotten what uncomfortable felt like for a while now.

Today was a good reminder. The flesh protests, comes up with excuses and tries to escape.

Fight the flesh :]

Save me, save me
From the kingdom of comfort where I am king
To this kingdom of heaven where you are king

New reads

2009-04-28T23:58:00.004+08:00

It is natural for us to define.
We long to define so we have control.
But we lost control way back in the cool of the garden.
We lost control when we wanted control.
Now we must let go again.
Now we must not hold on.

Love was never meant to be defined.
It is undefinable.
It is beyond comprehension.
It is above intellect.
If we could define it we could be...well you know...God

God is love

Don't define it...live it.

Josh Kelsey - It all hangs on this

The Climb

2009-04-17T01:01:00.002+08:00

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

:(

Think 'endure hardships'
Get rid of the inner wimp in you Janine.

Maybe.

2009-04-13T20:52:00.003+08:00

Faithful - Brooke Fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave.
I wave my arms’ round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense You close, though I know You’re always here
But the comfort of You near is what I long for

When I can't feel You, I have learnt to reach out just the same.
When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

As I listen to this song over and over on my iPod, I just feel it connect with my soul and it seems to articulate exactly how I feel. And I find myself thanking God for people like Brooke Fraser, for a sister like her who's walked the same road, and experienced things that I may be feeling. There's comfort in knowing that she's felt the same way, and she overcame it. I really liked what she shared at Awakening 07; about growing as a christian. You can't always be a baby and expect God to spoon feed you with all the 'feelings', with understanding and insights; discipline is essential to become a disciple.

Hebrews 12:7-13
⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
¹²Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³"Make level paths for your feet,"so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

When I can't feel You, I WILL learn to reach out just the same.
Let me not be a snail that withdraws into its shell whenever hardship comes along. Teach me, Lord, to endure discipline. I may not understand it now, but I know that the end will justify the pain. I think I haven't been taking discipline too well, but I'm gonna try now, whatever that means. I'm not gonna wuss out no more.

;[-< to :)]-<

Anyone has Brooke Fraser's albums? :] Me wants more of her songs!

Do you hurt but still feel alive?

2009-04-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

Engulfed

The fire, I cannot put out

But You.

Like never before.

Give me Your eyes

2009-04-04T00:05:00.003+08:00

Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Questions

2009-04-02T23:47:00.002+08:00

1. What have I done this past week that matters in light of eternity? What did I do that I will actually see the results of in Heaven?

2. What have I done this past week that will not be remembered in eternity?

- taken from ronsworld

TYG!

2009-03-26T23:15:00.002+08:00

TYGTYGTYG

It's a DWM! Wow!

I couldn't have done it without HIM!

OH WOW! :) YAY!

Acronyms are the way to go yo. *GRINS*

Note to self

2009-03-25T23:19:00.005+08:00

Thoughts of the day:

Expect nothing from anyone/everyone. That's the only way to guarantee zero hurt (or less chances of getting hurt at least).

Learn to love God even more. Don't just accept a Hi-God-pray-pray-Amen relationship. Take it further, higher, more intimate. He's the only one who truly truly truly loves you and He wants to be close to you. How happy you would make Him if you love Him back and strive to love Him more.

Not dating does not mean you're embracing singlehood in its fullness. If you're constantly thinking about an Edward Cullen, you're totally off. Singlehood is a gift. God loves you so much that He wants to have your heart. Let Him. Besides, who else would deserve that much?

Every relationship in a Christian life is a way for you to show God's love. Are you doing it?

Hey everyone, yes I'm back from the other island (Penang). It was a great time spent with my cousins and I love them even more:) Ate a lot but apparently I don't look fatter so hurrah! Just fyi, in case you're wondering where I've disappeared to because I've been quite unreachable for the last few weeks. Online especially. That's because I (am proud to say that I) have been off facebook and MSN successfully! Still got a couple more weeks to go and I have to say it is not that bad after all. Doing it as part of the 40 days prayer and I decided (after pastor's prompt) that facebook took up too much of my time and its a real big distraction. Same with MSN. It feels good to be disconnected. Away and unreachable. Though I really should have disabled the email option thing on facebook. My inbox has been flooded with tonnes of "__________ commented on your photo" emails. :/ Anyway, drop me an email if you need/want to contact me. Emails are cool. Or you could comment here.

Unless a man is prepared to ask a woman to be his wife, what right has he to claim her exclusive attention? Unless she has been asked to marry him, why would a sensible woman promise any man her exclusive attention?
- Elisabeth Elliot

Love Song

2009-03-25T15:15:00.003+08:00

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain,
But I walked the hill of Calvary.

Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty motion.
It can never be done.
I've never swam the deepest ocean,
But I walked upon the raging sea.

Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love.
How I died upon the cross for your sins.
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I give you
And I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Just to be with you.

From one island to another.

2009-03-12T13:45:00.002+08:00

Janine is away. Leave a message after the beep.

Crazy Love

2009-02-27T00:45:00.004+08:00

"What are you doing right now that requires faith?"

Lord, direct me. Let me be found on the path that is narrow, that few will find. Give me the faith, the boldness to be doing things for Your Kingdom, things that are beyond myself, things that will require me to rely completely on You. When there are so many uncertainties clouding the way, let Your light SHINE so brightly that I may discern right from wrong. Let it be YOUR will, not ours. If we are wrong, stop us before we go any further Lord.

I want to glorify You. That's the only thing I want to do. Let my life reflect that. Let me be so crazily in love with You.

Corner of your heart

2009-02-25T02:37:00.003+08:00

This is why I love AJ Rafael. He is talented, in a very raw way. It's so sweet how he's so overwhelmed by the singing along that he can't sing because he's moved to tears. Awww <3 I like you AJ!

Singapore has no AJs or Kinas. Sheeeesh.

What Be Your Nerd Type?

Your Result: Literature Nerd

Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works.

It's okay. I understand.

Anyway, I watched He's Just Not That Into You yesterday with Kaizhong Koko, who came to Singapore with a thousand bucks and was left with only 40 when we met up. LOL Madness. But he's got the money to spend anyway. Earn big bucks surfing the net and listening to audiobooks. Shiok. I didn't really like the movie though. It felt really messy, like jumping back and forth the various stories, though that has worked before in previous movies, it didn't feel right for me in this one. And though I was impressed by the cast, it somehow felt like a low budget film. I hated the parts in between where they got random people to talk about the various scenarios. SO out of place. There was one guy who CLEARLY was reading his script off camera. But I liked Justin Long in this movie. His character reminds me of someone but I just can't remember who. Oh well. I loved the salted popcorn. And the happy ending. "You are my exception," he said.

There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

A chapter closes.

2009-02-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

What is your True Fear?

Your Result: Losing Someone

You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!

Got that from Esther's blog, and I'm sure it's not my 'True Fear" - what there's a fake fear too? - but it's fun and much of it is true. So you guys should know how much I love y'all. :D

I'm unofficially done with TP CMM. The place I knew I wanted to be since early Sec 3. It was either this or JC. And the 3 years have just gone by like that. I can't believe I've lived to say that! Life in CMM is insane. The workload is crazy and I distinctly remember thinking at the start of each semester after year 1 that I might not survive this. And it really felt like that by the second week, after all the student guides have been uploaded onto VBUS and the assignment details are thrown at us. But I've miraculously survived it all! Thank God!

And though I've not been the most sociable person during this three years of my life (esp in TP - ha ha), I'm appreciative of all the little friendships that I've made along the way. I think I allowed myself to believe that you can't really make friends in your poly life and especially in mass comm - where it's so competitive. In a way it's still kind of a good thing. I wasn't part of any drama mama backstabbing saga. And I haven't made enemies. :)

I thank God for Asher and Cailin! ( Haha hi Asher! ) That somehow we happened to be part of this huge, weird mismashed group in year 1. And then sticking together as group mates and stuff for year 2. Although there were definitely frustrations, I enjoyed being stressed for group work. Good stress. We had same kind of expectations of ourselves and the work we produced. Asher, I'll always remember you poning a whole week of class (right?) for the Hillsong Conference, HAHA. And your crazy news absorbing brain. And also all the chats and wise advice. Might not have said it before, but they really gave me new perspectives. And encouraged me too! :D Cailin will always be remembered for her crazy neat-freak handwritten notes. And her helping me with my stupid arts collage when I was rushing like mad. And for being the other all-nighterer when deadline's the next day.

Of course there are other's that I enjoyed working with like Tiffany. She's incredibly nice to talk with and easy to work with. And Hirzi and Munah - I'm glad I got to work with them this last semester. It was close to what I had with Cailin and Asher working wise. And of course how can I forget Yizhong - who out of all the above mentioned has seen the weirdest side of me, only because I was stuck with him 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. Very entertaining. Haha. I miss internship sometimes. Cos it's so much more relaxed than school and I got to earn money too!

And lastly, Joram and Gus. Why did I get stuck with you guys. HAHA! Just kidding. It was fun. But I felt like a mother nagging at you guys - gus mostly - to get things done like pronto! lol JORAM! I CAN NEVER BE CAUGHT EATING IN STUDIOS NO MORE! :D Can't believe I'm not gonna see you around on a regular basis no more. :/

I don't regret choosing CMM. I feel like I've accomplished a fair bit in these 3 years. Not as much as some if you wanna play the comparison game, but I'm glad that I've learnt the skills, been exposed to the technical, hands-on parts of various productions. I'm looking forward to using them skills for His Kingdom.

:D

Mah-ree-ay loving.

2009-02-20T00:01:00.003+08:00

SHE'S SO CUTE. I've been posting video after video but I don't care! I love this song. I CAN PLAY IT TOO YO! on the keyboard. And backwards (as in I stand at the back of the keyboard instead)! wahahhaa. That just says that its an easy song to play.

It's songs like these that make me feel happy and all nicey nice. JANINE WITH A BIG SMILE :D

Now.. why didn't I take a picture with her back then when I could. hmmmmph.

Valentine

2009-02-16T00:43:00.004+08:00

Kina Grannis is loveeee.

I love her and her songs. So sweeet yet it's not cringe-worthy. And its catchy. :D

subscribe to her if you're a youtubeee. :) you won't regret it. she's such a sweet person.

here's a song dedication!
Going out to
my angel, who turned out to be a Jerald and not a girly girly;
my dearest tineee, who assures me constantly that she'll lend me a shoulder till Mr Right/Edward Cullens comes along, though she needs one as much as, if not, more than I do(she cries harder than me);
belle and peter who broke my heart, :p THANKS AH;
and everyone elseeee (imma try and list everyone else whom I think/know/hope reads this)
Erns, eq, nick (nick nick!), ronald (you better), lalaaa, zoe, grace, WL:), clement, andrew, asher, joram, van, jazz, shux (i could get used to this instead of esther. haha shooox), keith, venus, edward(teo), char, andy, jelene, uncle eugene, all other uncles and aunties... (who else who else!)
Message: I love you allll. :D You can all be my valentine! One for everyday of the year. <3 ahahah

Press play and listen to the song!

But we've been dead for a while.

2009-02-13T21:38:00.004+08:00

Wow... It's kinda unofficially over! Weird feeling. Didn't feeel the whoooooosh of freedom though. Not like the last time, after the mad MEP rush. That was the only time I felt the liberation. I was screaming at my cousin in the car and everything. lol.

Oh well. Time to mug for law. Sigh. I'm pretty disappointed with myself. I need to do well for exams.

It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. Go on, continue to push me down that very same road. Let's see how far I'll go. Words will never hurt me, they say. What a lie. You don't know how deep they are.

Edward, edward. Bring me to Isle Esme.

Say something funny, say something sweet.
But don't say that you loved me.

Oh hey! Happy Valentine's Day everybody! I wonder if my angel can see this. I love you angel! I HOPE I GET FLOWERS :) Better still, give me Edward Cullen :)

You know, if you force yourself to smile, you'll eventually feel better! So grrrrrrrin!

Additions

2009-02-09T23:45:00.003+08:00

YOU'RE NOT A MAAAAAAAN!
YOU'RE JUST A MANNEQUIN!

You said move on where do I go
I guess second best is all I will know~

Baby, you're the weapon that I choose.
These wounds are self inflicted.

Cos I don't wanna be-ee one of the bo-oh-oh-oh-oys

Katy Perry is going onto(into?) the playlist!

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter.

2009-02-07T16:56:00.002+08:00

I'm in love with that line. It's so poetic.

I'm almost done with school.

Oh yeahhhhh.

Love Is Waiting - Brooke Fraser

And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart.

The dominating tofu.

2009-01-30T01:16:00.004+08:00

I think our brains deserve way more credit than we give them. No one sees the brain affectionately like we do the heart, when in fact I'm sure the brain is the one that gives us all that we think the heart does. Besides, the heart just pumps blood right?

Wait a minute.

Actually, I think the brain is warped. If the brain is the puppet master, then why does she trick me into thinking otherwise? Why does she not just use her powers to promote herself and make the humans commercialise her instead of that puny little jock-of-an-organ? Or is she doing it on purpose to make me try and figure out how she works? Perhaps she is split into parts that do not know each other. That'd make her a plural. (I'm using her because I'm sure my brain is a she. Not an it because that sounds derogatory.)

Nevertheless, whatever conclusion you make, (I give up for now and accept the fact that my brain is bigger than me or the part of her that I am able to grasp) I love it when my heart races and almost leaps out of my chest. Its exhilarating doncha think! Ignoring, of course, the fact that meanwhile my mind loses whatever capability it had and is everywhere but with me. (Ah ha! Another trick!)

For a moment its like I'm Bella.
For a moment, I almost can't breath.

Oh yeah, fantasize schmantasize. It's allllll in the minddddd. You scheming litttle.... you...

Torn between what reason says and how I really feel

zzzzz

2009-01-27T21:04:00.004+08:00

Pretty dress that cost 160 freaking buckaroos.

Love Story

2009-01-25T20:03:00.002+08:00

She's so pretty. I love this song. Christine hurry send it to me!!! :)

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think.
He melt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said.

Twilight

2009-01-21T01:27:00.011+08:00

Note to self: never ever watch a book-inspired-movie before reading the book again. Especially when it revolves largely around a dashing male lead like Edward Cullen.

I'm just done with book 1 of the Twilight saga and although I don't like the way Stephenie Meyers write - she's so upfront and in your face, just throwing all the information at you, not carefully weaving it into the story - I finished it in 3 days. 3 days' worth of bus rides. She is pretty imaginative to think of such a storyline and a character like Edward Cullen. Dear Edward.

I read with bated breath. My heart races when Bella's does. I want to know how he smells! Their romance is very much related to scent and them being hopelessly intoxicated by how the other smells. I don't see how a guy can smell good without the help of cologne though.

But poor Edward is stuck. Stuck in the pathetic image of Robert Pattinson. I regret not reading the book first because now I can no longer imagine my own Edward. Everytime I read and my mind does its thing, playing the entire scene in my head, I see Robert Pattinson - a more attractive Robert Pattinson. In my mind, he no longer has only one facial expression and I don't imagine him in the awful angles shown in some of the very poorly taken photos of him. BUT THAT IS STILLL SAD!

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning with that playful smirk again.

My favourite scene in the movie was the showdown between James and Edward, with poor Bella in the background writhing in pain. The intensity of it was so overwhelming and Bella! I must say I was impressed by whatever-her-name-is in this scene - she did a good job acting, showing the pain she felt from the bite. The raw shouts and body spasms when the venom was travelling in her blood streams. And Edward *sighs* how he was torn between saving the love of his life and the fact that he might just kill her at the same time. It was so painful to watch and I cried. For Edward.

But in the book, the fight scene was nothing and it didn't even mention the amount of pain and torture Edward went through - cause the book's written in Bella's perspective, and she was unconscious when poor Edward suffered.

My favourite part in the book was when Edward discovers that he can resist the urge to devour Bella, or her blood rather, and there's this new level of trust and openness in their twisted relationship. And how he kept watch over Bella that night to remain 'immune' to her scent. He's so sweeet that non-existent vampire. :):):) And how he's so protective over Bella, how he carries her and treats her so gently. How he wishes to kiss her but can't properly cos it'd drive him insane so he doesn't. Not really.

Oh Edward Cullen, you melt my heart.

Oh golly. How did I get myself caught in this web that so many other teeny girlies have fallen prey to? I did resist initially and refused to touch the books. But when I watched the movie and heard the heart of Edward, all defenses fell away. I don't care how many people say the movie sucked - I LOVED IT AND I'M PROUD OF IT. I hung on to the edge of my seat okay. Not all movies can do that to me.

I'll bet the boys are hating you. You set the bar way up there. No one's gonna reach it Edward. But then again, its not fair is it? You can fly, run fast, read minds, not sleep. Them? They're just human. :)

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."

Valentines' Day is coming.. I want my very own Edward Cullen please!

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.

weeee

2009-01-09T20:35:00.002+08:00

Janine has completed one huge part of Scriptwriting Group and is relieved for a while and feels that she should be able to rest and eat some popcorn.

I'm so happy that I've completed something and I feel gooooood. :D

These are the things I mentioned in one of the previous posts, the thing I said I did and am so proud of? Also inspired by van? haha YUP! That's it! :D

Okay, I have a lot more to show but photobucket took too long and Law is still a pain in the tush.

Fruit cake story

2009-01-08T23:53:00.002+08:00

Fruit cake and ice cream

You must watch this. Louie Giglio talking about Grace and sharing Ashley's story.

like a river

2009-01-07T23:08:00.003+08:00

I need peace. I need peace I need peace

My heart constantly feels like it needs to jump out of my chest. I feel so UGGGHHHH. I need to do this and that and this and that. And I'm not being productive!

Peace peace peace. No anxiety.

:(

I need help. Help from on high.

Yes, I do. I do I do I do!

And tomorrow is THE day for army boy erns! We're gonna miss you duuude! :) Keeping you in prayer!

send a little smile my way

Ladeedah

2008-12-28T00:44:00.003+08:00

I made something today that I feel extremely proud of. I didn't know it'd be so easy. But I can't tell you what yet cos it's a secret. Got inspired by dear van. :D

For a sec, I feel less antsy. Then, I realise that I've got.. hmm, 3 things to finish by this week. Actually 4 if I count 1 that's due next monday. Are they insane? I think they just want to kill us. And I don't even have CDS this sem.

And that is just for school. :/

Weeeee. Janine is jumping jacks.

I hate it when we say goodbye.
Alone for the rest of the night, without you.
Stop me, stop me.

Janine is

2008-12-27T20:39:00.001+08:00

... if blood is thicker than water, I think I might be anemic.

Janine is

2008-12-26T22:59:00.002+08:00

...hurt.

...only happy when they're around.

...actually freaking out real bad because she has a pile of assignments that are far from completion and she has so many other stuff on her hands as well.

What should she do? She really just wants to cry like a wuss and forever curl up in bed, lifeless aimless but stressless.

Boo. Boo scriptwriting. Boo broadcast journ. Boo media law. Boo ATV!!!

Boo janine.

JANINE is

2008-12-22T01:59:00.002+08:00

... extremely exhausted, caught a cold, superbly stressed, packed with problems beyond pupilage perceptions.

okay, the last one is just to completely the lit thing which I've forgotten the name of.

Christmas is just not christmas this year. With a load of assignments waiting to throttle me, how can I enjoy the festive seasons? 2 days at most. I can relax for two 24-hours day.

Somebody save me. Do my assignments for me will ya? I'd be really nice to you for the rest of my life!

2008-12-20T16:25:00.002+08:00

I've realised that while most people claim more credit than they deserve,

there are those rare gems who genuinely deserve more than they'd ever care for.

Oh sweet heart. You've broken this sweet heart.

2008-12-11T22:37:00.003+08:00

It takes effort to be me. I don't mean that in the it's-not-easy-to-be-me-i'm-superman sense. But that I'm finding it harder to be the "optimistic-glass-half-full" (in the words of Mandy Moore) girl that I've always been. Still, it ain't gonna be circumstances that dictate how I'm going to be/feel/act. I'm fighting back yo!

Of course, judging from my fluctuations and inconsistency in my thoughts that comes out to you through my posts, I could just flip the next post and be all dark and cryptic again. Cos it'll be very easy to. All it takes is one small prod.

I hope not. *inserts big grin

Today, I...
discovered salted caramel cheesecake ice cream. Didn't get my buttered pecans but oh well. Another flavour for another day!
witnessed a traffic accident that was not very serious.
was late for editing but it was okay cos the servers were down or something for the whole day anyway. Sigh (but secretly am happy cos I don't have to edit for now. Crosses fingers. Projects be gone because servers are permanently non accessible! YES! hahaha)
watched Music and Lyrics and 12 minutes of the Dark Knight which I missed unknowingly the first time

I've been thinking in the facebook status frame a lot (read: Janine is....) like in the IML musical. Didn't mention it here, but to all my not from DR friends, my friend was in the play yo! All the teenagers in the play are just talented. Smart, talented, artistic, some even have their own lil business going already!

Janine is buttered pecan!

You set my world on fire
I'm turning inside out to be with You
So I'll be waiting here
And our love can live forever
Coz in Your eyes I've seen who I could be
So I'll be waiting here
-Wonder, Delirious?

Why does my heart cry?

2008-12-10T21:33:00.004+08:00

Love is a many splendoured thing. Love! Lift us up where we belong. All you need is love!

The test is over. The holidays are here. I would like to think of it as my holidays still even though there is so much to be done. I don't think I did very well at all for the test, but you'd think I'm just being polite wouldn't you.

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.

Christmas is almost here. Feels nothing like it though. I doubt I'd have time to buy presents, wait I never buy presents. No time for making presents either. We'll see how it goes.

You're dying Satine.

I've been snacking A LOT. Popcorn (yes I bought it! finished poppycock in an hour), chocolate, biscuits, cheese twists.

And I used my glittery cream from The Body Shop today. :) Happiness! I smell so nice. lol. and I shimmer now, though not very obviously which isn't a bad thing.

Tell our story Christian, that way I'll-I'll always be with you.

Can you tell I'm obsessed? In the most pleasant way of course.

Tied together with a smile

2008-12-07T23:30:00.005+08:00

It's raining again.
Up, down; left, right; high, low. Nobody knows.
Like a ragged doll tossed around.
I can be extremely loud and noisy one day. And the next, plummet back into darkness.

Nevermind.

I'm temporarily happy because I've finally bought something from The Body Shop! I've a major weak spot for all things nice smelling for the skin/hair and with nice PACKAGING! The Body Shop may not be that great in packaging as compared to l'occitane, but it does fairly well! There's like glitter all over the pump cover thing and the label is nicely printed and has a glitter glue layer on the words. :) So pretty.

From now on, I will not tell myself to save things for another day. Super bad habit of mine since young. I will never use my precious things like lip balms and stuff. I had like this whole tin of lipsmackers from Australia and used it like..... once or twice each only? I still have them now, though I know I'll never use it again cos the smell's gone and my lips will probably rot if I dare use it again. I also had this huge pencil case filled with special nice looking pencils (some had like super cute figurines on the top) that are not even sharpened yet. Most were presents from my tuition teachers, friends and stuff. And obviously they all remained unsharpened, and now my mum gives them away as presents or prizes to her students.

I'm a major hoarder. :/

Now, I've a paper coming up on Wednesday and I've yet to start revision. Not that there are many definitions and figures to memorise, cos it's on scriptwriting, but not starting yet is scary for me! Two days. And tomorrow's a public holiday = mother's home = consistent company = disaster. My iPod would come in handy. But, I haven't stocked up my supplies. I intended to while at Parkway, but no. The supermart called GIANT apparently isn't that huge like its name suggests after all. NO POPCORN. Okay, actually they had. But it was a homebrand one and obviously is already lao hong lor. I was looking for microwave popcorn and the poppycock ones. But I found none. Sigh. I was all excited about getting my popcorn, but no! They didn't sell.

Luckily, I've got some Marks and Spencer cookies from a few weeks back. (Told you I'm a hoarder - 100gms of Famous Amos can last me at least 2 weeks; I'll limit myself to just one a day.) Still, it will not be the same. I suspect I will start studying only after 12 noon tomorrow. :(

Quarantine will have to wait. I hope it'll still be on after this week.

Lost but never alone.

Make it pure, once more.

2008-12-04T22:41:00.003+08:00

There no longer is real trust. Just this fake flimsy version of what trust should be. Maybe there never was any in the first place cos we never had such a situation that demanded it. It's confusing, how some things are said, while some are not but everyone already knows about it. So really, there is no need for words to confirm anything.

Yet the lack of explanation is hurtful. Cos there are so many questions. Underlying currents that threatens to overturn the whole boat. But we're all still smiling pleasantly, sipping on our tea, enjoying the breeze. Seemingly oblivious or refusing to believe what's really going on.

Sigh. Let's see how long this lasts. Because everyone refuses to just come right out and say it.

The gap is growing though we don't want to admit it.

I'm getting tired. No one cares anyway. Everyone wants to be motivated and rah-rahed and convinced to put in any effort at all. Initiative just does not exist in this place.

IN OTHER NEWS

I want to watch Quarantine at Cathay with a huge bucket of salted popcorn and drinks and churros if they still have em. oh I miss churros. And have dinner at Aston's after that cos it's affordable good food. and and and B&Js! Who wants a good scream? Christine? :):):) I'll bring tissues for ya!

RONALD YEO! bumping into you was the highlight of my day. though the moment lasted no more than 2 minutes probably. i was actually thinking of the time i gasped really loudly when i saw you. lol. i miss you guys! :(

Moulin Rouge

2008-12-04T20:29:00.003+08:00

Spoiler alert! Do not read if you have yet to catch this brilliant movie.

Finally, I've finally watched Moulin Rouge. And it definitely lives up to its name. One of the most romantic, though not in the saccharine sweet way, movies ever. And I'm glad that Satine (Nicole Kidman) dies in the end. I think that's what makes it so romantic. I mean, if she doesn't and there is a *cringe* happy ending, everyone would just roll their eyes and the movie will suck! Though I think we all secretly want happy endings, we just hate it when it happens because it is not real at all.

I loved the elaborate design of the Moulin Rouge set, the intricate designs all over the giant elephant, the rich colours - velvet red and gold; the costumes and the pretty jewelleries all over Satine. And Nicole Kidman is just so pretty. I like her nose. Funny how she was the only pretty girl in Moulin Rouge though. The rest are all just scary.

My favourite scene is near the end when the show was on and Christian and Satine, both in tears, stumbles onto stage by accident. He brutally insults her in front of the audience and leaves the stage, and Satine tries to call out to him and explain things by singing their song. It's so emotional and desperate, and when Ewan McGregor's character finally responds, the relief in her face is so precious. I love how they use a song to express so much, how the song took away the need for words and explanation. How that song is like their secret code. How they almost, so painfully, lost ~~their love~~ each other in spite of their insane love and this song pulls them out of it and binds them back together.

And then she dies, in the arms of her lover.

*exhales

Is that not just so devastatingly romantic?

Then I'll write a song. We'll put it in the show and no matter how bad things get or whatever happens, whenever you hear it or when you sing it or whistle it or hum it then you'll know what it'll mean. It'll mean that we love one another.

Death

2008-12-01T23:22:00.003+08:00

Is dying the worst thing that could happen to you?

It isn't for me. In fact I think dying is actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Think about it, you drop all responsibilities - no more homework, duties. No more expectations to live up to. No more trivialities to fret over. No next person's emotions to care about. No future to plan for, no rainy days to scrimp and save for. No potential pain to armour up for. No more risks. No more pain. No more tears. No more heartache. No more anger. Is that not everyone wants?

Does that not sound so good? How can that ever be the worst thing? Bonus if you're a believer! I'll be on my way to meeting my Saviour. The one person who truly loves me.

Unfortunately death is not something we can plan. No one knows when, besides Him. Unless of course you make your own decision and decide yourself when you want to die and how. Which is pretty common nowadays. Over bankruptcy, broken family, sickness, and even CCA. Many ways to it too. The more traditional ones, jumping off the 12th storey, slitting wrists or throats, taking sleeping pills. For the radicals, jumping into a white tiger enclosure, jumping into the path of approaching MRTs. For the die hard poets, gassing would surely show your devotion to Plath.

This post is so bleak.

But well, it is the truth no? Look around you, read the papers! And honestly (I have no idea why I'm confessing to all you avid readers.) I've been thinking of death more than I should really. It's not like I actively contemplate how I should die, no I'm not that emo. Images just stay in my mind all the time. Whenever I'm angry, slit wrists appear. I always think of how Mr Harkins told us that you should slit not only your wrist but all the way vertically to your inner elbows (whatever that is called). I'm sure he did it in hopes of reverse psychology. When I'm sad, blood everywhere. When I'm a total blank, more gore. And most of the time I'm one of the above 3, so you get what goes on in my mind.

I'm sure everyone's pretty freaked out by me and my very blunt openness. But hey, you want the truth? Here's the truth. I'm not okay. I'm not good. I don't feel like smiling so stop asking me to cheer up. Don't ask me what's wrong because you know that I'm only gonna say nothing.

On the other hand, I think its only appropriate for me to thank everyone who has showed concern in one way or another. I appreciate your kind thoughts and I'm sure you genuinely want to hear me out, but I very politely reject and ask for your understanding. Its tiring to say anything. I don't even know what the problem is really. Its so many things, and nothing at all. I'm sure its not the things that are the problem, but with me. I've never been bogged down by anything to this extent so this is really weird for me.

I constantly feel like there's a dark heavy cloud hovering over me. My face is expressionless when I don't need to fake a pathetic meek smile, and it feels like it weighs a ton. I almost forget how to smile sometimes. The feeling is dreadful. I don't enjoy it down here. I feel like the world's biggest loser, like I'm out to make things bad and dreary for myself. But I can't help it.

Here's the part where you can all heave a sigh of relief, cos I'm telling you that I will not attempt suicide anytime soon. So not need for worries. As easy a way out as it is, dying is cowardly. It is getting rid of all baggage, but it also is shirking off responsibility. Running away. It leaves your baggage for others to carry and creates bigger heavier burdens for others. You leave people behind. All the emotional pain you'd have caused. Some might stumble because of you. Dying is selfish. And what happens to hopes and dreams? What happens to fulfilling the one thing you're here for? You permanently rid yourself of a chance to shine your special light.

I'd love to be taken away. But I wouldn't really want that right now, for I've yet to accomplish anything. I've not left a mark, made an impact, spread the love enough. If I died now, people will say: so young, so wasted. And that is not how I want to be remembered - the girl who died too soon. My life would be a waste. Studying and slogging all these years, for nothing. I would stand before God ashamed. Nothing to my name.

I long to smile again. Properly. I long to be infectious and bursting with energy again. There's so much to be done.

I long to be close to Him again. I feel so far away. I feel so alone. I feel so useless. I feel like nothing I do will ever be right so what's the point. I feel so small, left to fend for myself. Where art thou O Lord. I know You're there, I just can't hear You anymore. Maybe I'm not listening hard enough. Or not at all. Will You please shout or scream?

It kills me to think that I'm falling. I'm so scared. Losing my faith is the worst thing that could happen to me. I'd rather die.

No, I'll never let go.
But please, let me know I'm pleasing to You Lord. I need it so badly.

Watch it

2008-12-01T01:38:00.003+08:00

Just because I entertain you does not mean I'm a doormat for you to walk all over.

It's a very thin line you're treading on.

a thousand miles

2008-11-30T00:32:00.002+08:00

I wish I could just walk, on and on. Aimlessly, without a destination for once. Going wherever my feet takes me.

On and on.

Dear God,

2008-11-28T23:20:00.002+08:00

I hate this.
How many more times can a heart sink? Is there no end? A bottomless pit? How long more will this go on?
What are we doing? Are we doing things right? We are trying so hard. Do You see? Lord, how long more must we have such sorrow in our hearts? The pain and frustrations, oh the weights in our hearts.

Our fragile hearts.

Let us not lose this flame, God. All we long to do is to serve You. And that is getting harder and harder each day as we get entangled in this heap of confusion.

I wish You'd speak to me loud and clear. I wish You'd tell me straight in the face if I'm not doing the right thing, if I'm not doing enough. I sometimes wish You'd just take me to heaven with You, away from this world, where there is confusion and pain and evil everywhere. Not one place is spared.

I wish I could be a thermostat, but its too hard Lord. I've tried. I'm trying so hard. I'm stretched beyond my limits. I feel trampled on. Torn. Manipulated. Lost. Confused. All I want is You. All I want is You Lord. Why is that so hard.

What now?

How long o Lord? How long?

P.S.
Still I'll trust in Your unfailing love. Yes my heart will rejoice. Still I'll sing of Your unfailing love. You have been good, You will be good to me.

Love,
Janine.

You must have fallen from the sky

2008-11-26T23:05:00.006+08:00

Oooh Max Brenners! :) Alas, yet another low key surprise birthday thingo. Wee! Fun!

Asia Conference and Fresh Fire was good. I enjoy the process of going to these conferences; the queuing, eating bk, staying till late at night yo, and going back for more the very next day. It is tiring really, but I love it. Plus Asia Conference was free! Too bad it was during school, if not I'd have signed up for the workshops and all. They had so many good stuff and one person can choose up to SIX workshops! And of course those ultra cool delegates lanyards. :) I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On one of those nights, speaker shared about giving up everything to obey God's calling and for His anointing. Like seriously everything. He was dead sure and strict about it. Giving EVERYTHING up, even family, dear ones, etc. And he asked us if we were willing to. Everyone immediately shouted yes, and I was taken aback. In my mind, I was scared. Everything? Are you serious?! That's huge! That's not an easy decision. I thought to myself, are you sure. Are you sure. Are you sure. And I was really panicking, honestly.

After much more bantering in my mind, I felt ridiculous. What do I have in my life that I cannot give up? Right now, really nothing at all. But it wasn't 'right now' that I was thinking about at all. I was thinking of my future. What if I have a family next time? Give up my children? My husband? Does this mean that I can't have my dream family anymore?

HAH! Can you believe that. Yes, I'm sure you all know how much I want a family. Many kids. And shower them with love. But to have that against God? Surely that cannot be. How can I hold back from God for things that have yet to exist?

I'm sure now. That I can say yes. I thank God for revealing this part of me that was holding back. I wanted a good family. I want children to love. I want a good husband. I want to be a good mother. All me. If it's not what God wants, I can now say its okay. I'm cool. Of course, it'll probably be more painful when it really happens (or does not) but I want to do what God wants. Not what I want.

Yay. <3

Oh heart, dear heart,
why dost thou never listen
Be not a possessor, for none art thine
Blame none for thy self afflicted sufferings
did you not seek trouble when thou had none?

Were you designed with a another that thou mayst long for company
Wilt thou not live without a partner?
I trow not!
Pray thee, leave things be.
For like a flower that blooms in its own timing
thou wilt be beautiful, when thou durst wait.

Like a bud, wait.

Lols. My old English vocabulary and grammar is bad. I need more shakespeare! But so boring. Not like I've ever read. I love how the dialogues sound though. Like romeo and juliet. :o

Love Song for my #1

2008-11-23T23:09:00.002+08:00

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

This is when it matters.

2008-11-16T22:54:00.004+08:00

Now is when you stick your feet on the ground and make your stand. The stand. Now is when it matters most because only now you know what it takes to be undeterred. Now is when the words you spoke in love and in awe, so fervently and faithfully, determined, has to be proven with action.

For how can you tell what light is if you've never experienced darkness. Or the beauty of healing without brokenness or pain. How can one love, without knowing what it is like to live without love.

It is now, when times are toughest. When you feel like giving up. When everything crashes down. When the world falls apart. When no one is around. It is now that you dig your feet deeper and lift your hands higher and declare no matter how hard it is that you're in and you'll never bail out.

You might just die while at it. No one said it's gonna be easy. But hey, you promised. No one forced you to be bold and pledge allegiance.

this matter is mine, don't worry I'm fine
this matter is mine.
I'm not gonna give it up.

We thought we'd found a harmony.

2008-11-15T22:24:00.005+08:00

and as the sun sets once again, just you and your thoughts. going places, loving strangers. building a life all in your mind.

Imagination is such a wonderful thing. It lets you take time out from reality and live for a moment in your dreams where everything goes your way and love is simple, and animals can talk. It gives room for the hopefuls to have a glimpse at how things could be if life always deals you a good hand. I'd walk in roses, grow my own flowers and give them out free to people who come my way. I'd take time to smile at strangers and talk to people whose eyes meet mine. I'd have no job but live with a mission to love people, make their days, hear their cries, cry with them, buy them food cos I can. I'd look into your eyes and tell you I love you without squirming and mean it completely from the very depths of my heart. Wear my heart on my sleeves.

I think we're all born with the capacity to imagine. Some more than others. Some literally see it in their minds, the colours, the people, the objects, like they could actually touch. A book could help you imagine, a really good author guides you along a great journey that is really your own. Give a child a blank sheet of paper and a crayon.

I've imagined a friend once. She was way younger than me, but so pretty and lovable. We were best friends, and I'd have given the world for her to be happy. But then my imagination gave way and I forgot how she looked like after a while. She became just a girl with a simple smiley face. No distinct feature, no colour, no personality. I could've imagined how she looked again, but it would never have been the same girl I first imagined.

It would be scary to live in your imagination. Nothing would ever stay the same. The moment you close your eyes and allow your brain to rest, you erase your entire life. Sure the next day you'd recover it, but there'd be discrepancies. The grass might be greener, your flowers a different hue. You might live a day all over again. Miss a whole entire month maybe. And you'd probably never die.

So take a bite off your apple but spit out the seeds. Who knows when the roots will take hold of thee?

People never crumble in a day

2008-11-11T18:50:00.000+08:00